The Life & Times of Louis & Amber - Marriage Counseling

I don't remember this advice coming up in Counseling Class at Bible College.  Thankfully, this doesn't fit my wife, whom I love with all my heart.  The following tips come from Red Skelton, apparently.

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little
    beverage, good food and companionship.  She goes on 
   Tuesdays; I go on Fridays..

2. We also sleep in separate beds.  Hers is in California , and mine 

    is in Texas.                         

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our 
   anniversary.  'Somewhere I haven't been in a long
   time!' she said.  So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops..

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric 
     bread maker.  She said 'There are too many gadgets, 
     and no place to sit down!' So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there 

    was water in the carburetor.  I asked where the car 

    was. She told me, 'In the lake.'

8. She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days. 

    Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, 'Am I too late for 
    the garbage?' The driver said, 'No, jump in!'

10.  Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.  I don't  like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though..  My wife asked, 'What's on the TV?'

      I said, 'Dust!'